One Last Message.

So I messaged him. Jock I mean. I told him that it was weird how we broke up and I hated it. I wanted to know if I was wasting my time and my affection by wanting to see how things go. I wasn’t really prepared for his answer.

“Normally it would be a straight yes its done, but need time to think it over. I know thats a shit answer but I don’t want to force it then regret the wrong choice. You’re still my hummingbird!”

What the fucking fuck? No. I don’t think so. What is he playing at? I told him straight – I’m a big girl, if it’s over, it’s over. Just say and I’ll move on. What he has essentially said to me is that he doesn’t want anyone else to have me, but he doesn’t want to commit to me either! That’s what he said, right? What a bullshit fucking answer. I waited a year and a half tfor him to finally do something about his psychotic ex and now I’m waiting to find out whether or not our relationship is worth it? What a fucking asshole.

To be fair, I don’t really know what I was expecting. I should have known better, right? Hasn’t he just disappointed me and let me down the whole way through? I should have seen another big fat disappointment looming. I just can’t believe he had the nerve to say that to me. What a tosser.

I don’t think it’s that difficult personally. You either want me or you don’t. And I’m something fucking special too. He needs to fucking realise that. But you know what I realised? You were all right. He won’t ever commit to me. Ever. And he’ll hide behind his daughter and shitbag ex until the end of time. And it’ll destroy every relationship he ever has. What a coward. What a fucking coward.

He doesn’t know about the one night stand. I’m not gonna tell him. To be honest, I’m pretty sure he’s at least messaging someone else. Maybe he’s moved on already? He’s online a lot on one particular messaging service, and the only person he uses that service for is me. And his POF conquests. Perhaps he’s already picked up the next little blonde thing that will amuse him until they want commitment and then he’ll throw it all away, just like he did with me. He has made me feel worthless. That’s not love, that’s bullshit.

***22 hours later***

Well I woke up this morning and I messaged him. “Have you moved on already?”

He’s always online. He’s always talking to someone. He’s met someone else. I know it. He kept avoiding the question. “What do you mean?”, “No I don’t think you’re stupid” etc. Well he’s pretty much confirmed that then. He couldn’t answer the question.

We had a big fight. He sent this big message saying that he knew he had done wrong by not sorting the Ex out and having bad admin, letting himself go, etc. But I had made a massive mistake by meeting up with The Fireman and My Mr. Grey – two ex boyfriends. I had essentially had two ‘dates’ with them.

Really? I can list the things that I’ve done wrong in this relationship on one hand. Listing his would take much, much longer. How fucking dare he turn this around on me? We had a massive fight. Screaming at each other down the phone, not listening to each other, not giving each other a chance to say a single word. I was furious. All through our relationship he has been messaging other girls little messages saying things like “I’m only with her because you won’t have me” and other such bullshit. I have never once brought it up because I trust him and I honestly felt as if it were a bit of cheeky banter. I’ve never brought it up to him and I’ve never made it a big deal. Guys do that. Girls do that too. I’m a big fan of a cheeky bit of flirting with someone you’re not allowed to in order to boost your ego and confidence from time to time. I’m just saying I understand it. To be honest, I’ve never wanted to think about it.

Plus he was on POF. He had two accounts on POF. I never saw them online and I didn’t think he was using them, but his profiles were still on there. Apparently the second one was to check up on me to make sure I wasn’t still dating other guys at the beginning of our relationship. I chose to believe that.

These were two things that would potentially destroy another relationship but I chose to let them slide and move on. I’ve never brought these things up to him, they’ve never come up in fights or rows.

I brought these up in the fight. I don’t think he expected that. It got nasty real quick and before I knew it, he was threatening to hang up on me because I wasn’t listening to him, and I was engulfed in great gulping sobs, unable to get my words out. This breakup is brutal and it’s really starting to get to me.

In the end I had to hang up. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t listen to it. It was breaking my heart. He doesn’t love me anymore. He didn’t say it but I can hear it in his voice. We’re finished slash he’s over it. Its time to face facts darlin’, you really screwed this one up.

One last message:

“I can’t keep doing this to myself. This breakup is driving me crazy. I won’t message you anymore. You’ve made yourself clear.”